


Unbury Me

by HoardofDragons



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Allison Reynolds/Renee Walker - Freeform, BDSM elements, BDSM!AU, Background Relationships, CW blood and needles, Danielle "Dan" Wilds/Matt Boyd - Freeform, Developing Friendships, Gen, Jean/OMC (brief), Jean/Riko (past), M/M, Nicky Hemmick/Erik Klose - Freeform, Polyamory, Queer Character, Recovery, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-12-10 20:32:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11699373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HoardofDragons/pseuds/HoardofDragons
Summary: It's not Jean's fault that he likes to stick needles into people. Other people need to stop judging his life choices.- Jean's twenties are an adventure he doesn't really care to repeat. Navigating life is hard enough if you're not carrying baggage around. At least he has friends to help him out.





	Unbury Me

**Author's Note:**

> It's been like a year. Surprise?
> 
> This is part of the All For the Game Big Bang 2017. My partner is the incredible partner is @peanut-milk (on tumblr)
> 
> So, funny story, I signed up for the AFTG Big Bang cause it sounded like fun and then quit back in February? (March?) because of personal reasons. And then a few days ago I got an email that they were looking for pinch writers. I was almost done with my exams so I thought to myself "hell why not?" So here I am now, posting this madness.  
> This entire thing was heavily inspired by Real Life but should not(!) be taken as a guide to BDSM. Technically, I have been to all of those places and I am every single one of these characters (except Riko. I love him but he can piss off). Ahem.  
> Everyone is in their mid-twenties, so seven years ago, Jean was about 19.  
> If they might appear a bit out of character, I tried to stick close to canon when possible.
> 
> Part One is more of a Jean character study than anything else.  
> Part Two will feature the actual Jerejean
> 
> ...  
> Enjoy?  
> Also, critique me (nicely) if you like.  
> Or just tell me if you want more. Questions can also go to my tumblr @siennalauren

* * *

  


_Seven years ago – Edgar Allen University, West Virginia_

"Jean! JEAN! Open the door! I know you finally ditched him!"

"Go away." Jean's head was resting against the door. Kevin was just on the other side, yelling, and he didn't want to see him. He also looked like crap, unshowered and with red rimmed eyes from too little sleep.

The first movement in front of his apartment had scared the crap out of him. He knew - sort of - that Riko wouldn't stoop so low to try to catch him at his own apartment, no matter how messy their breakup, but the fear had still been there. The idea that Riko would actually go to effort to go talk to him again was preposterous. No, they would probably never utter another word to one another, least of all through a closed door. _Stupid._

"No way in hell. And I brought enforcement."

"Hello, Jean," came a much quieter voice. Renée. Jean suppressed a groan. Kevin knew one could not simply say no to her.

Renée was one of the first friends they made in the kink community. She was doing a double degree, so she commuted to EA University every two weeks. She was also Kevin's current roommate since he didn't really need one to pay for rent since his parents were quite rich but had the space available. She was their confidant.

"Jean," Kevin said again. "Open up."

Jean grumbled something unintelligible and unlocked the door at Kevin's no-nonsense voice. The dick was being sincere. "Tell me at least you brought chocolate," he said as he let them in. Renée held up a bag.

"How did you know anyway?" It had only happened a few days ago and neither Riko nor Jean were prone to share their feelings online.

"Actually, Riko came by my place," Kevin said casually and Jean stopped in his tracks back into the living room.

"What." _He should have left for home already. His flight to Japan was three days ago._

"Don't worry. He was just in his usual mood. I threw him right back out." Jean had never been so glad that Kevin had finally grown a spine. Renée had certainly helped; as had the distance to Riko. "So I thought, we would stop by and check that you were not throwing around blame again."

"I am not." He had but only for first two days before getting out of his funk. "And this is different from you and Riko. You were only play partners."

"Yeah, but you only got together after I got out, right? That's not too long ago, right?" Four months and twenty-one days. Though their relationship had been falling apart for the last month, give or take. Or, well, codependency, to be entirely earnest. They both had clung to each other after Kevin had declared he would need a time out and time away and time to himself—time without them. It had confused Jean then; now, he understood.

Jean and Kevin's friendship had been rough for a while but they had talked it out.

Kevin stopped in front of him and put his hands on his shoulders, while Renée walked past them further into the apartment. "I am glad you finally broke it off with him."

Jean's smile was genuine. "Thanks." And he meant it.

Riko, Kevin and him had been inseparable from before they started Uni together. Close, and codependent, they had decided together to go to the same university. Riko for a lawyer's degree, Kevin for sports medicine and Jean for a business degree. They even roomed together off campus. When they all had gotten into BDSM at the start, green behind the ears but eager to learn, they couldn't find much of community around them. So they learned through the internet, watched videos and read blog posts. It had gotten easier when they found Fetlife - the kinky version of Facebook. Through the website, they found a group of people who meet up every two weeks and together, they went for their first munch. It spiralled from there. With actual people to talk to and ask questions, going to their first event and watching other people play, first tries at ropes and canes themselves, they were hooked for good.

Funnily enough, it hadn't been a sex thing despite them all being barely past their teenage years. No, it was the promise of control and pain that had lured them in. Growing up together, they had noticed their ticks early on – how Riko would never stop poking bruises or how Jean liked being in charge of planning during city trips. How Kevin would sometimes order Riko to catch them all drinks. How Riko did it despite complaining. Small things that all added up to this. Things had only gotten sexual about a year into it.

It was around the same time, Jean had finally accepted he was gay as well. To celebrate he had gotten his first piercing - a lip ring. ( _That_ had opened another can of worms.)

"I mean it. I know how hard it was." Jean nodded again. If someone knew, it was Kevin. "But we're better off without him. As long as he can't get his manipulative tendencies under control, he can fuck right off."

"Tendencies." Jean laughed. "You know he didn't fake those, right? That was on purpose." Which yeah, Riko had always been a controlling bastard. Growing up in the shadow of his older brother and heir to their company certainly messed him up. Not that Jean had minded that much, they all had a few cracks, Renée included. But he hadn't thought that Riko would that mess into the scene. At the start, he had been careful. Being in the right mindset, preparing properly and actually calling time outs, just like Jean had been. You can't play with people when you cannot trust them to call safeword. Kevin figured that out pretty early on. Only Jean realized that too late.

"I know. God, how I know how much of a dick Riko can be." Kevin dragged him back to the couch. There were already heaps of blankets but his arrangment of (cold) tea cups had vanished. He heard Renée muck around in the kitchen. His music was still playing in the background. "And you you know what the worst of it is?" Kevin asked as he let himself fall onto the couch. "I still miss him sometimes. I hate him for the stuff he made me go through but I still miss him." Kevin had his own demons with Riko.

Renée reappeared with three new cups. "You grew up together and were play partners for a while as well. It's normal to him miss."

Jean thanked her for the tea and took a grateful sip. "And he wasn't so bad before. We all messed up in the beginning." When they were still learning off the internet. Kevin nodded. Like Jean's first time to use a flogger when he accidentally got Riko right on his spine. Or Kevin's first try at ropes which ended with a numb finger for Riko for a week. Looking back, they really rushed into this with much too little preparation. The things that could've gone wrong...

"Okay, stop, we're not here to talk good of Riko," Renée interrupted. "He knew what he was doing and he is his own person. It was not okay for him to forbid Kevin to try out being a bottom during a scene." Kevin threw her a glare. The fact that we was a switch and not a Dom was still a sore subject seven months later. He was still dealing with that himself. "And it was definitely not okay to stop you from playing with others. And it was seriously messed up that he didn't call red after that one session." Jean cringed. He hated thinking about that session. He was not queasy at the sight of blood but the images still haunted him.

Renée's face immediately softened. "I am sorry. Someone has to say it. What Riko does is damaging - him and others. And you can't help him if he refusing any help." Since they had met her close to 19 months ago, she had been their voice of reason. "How about a hug instead?" She opened her arms with a smile.

"Always." Jean pulled her down onto the couch between him and Kevin, who threw a blanket over them all. She pulled his head down to her shoulder and began to run her fingers through his hair. Slowly, Jean relaxed again.

The thing with Riko... had gone off course a while ago. Riko had always had a high pain tolerance, so Kevin and Jean hadn't worried at first. But the more proficient they got, the more noticeable were the times when Riko did not call for a time out despite needing on. Or the times Riko edged them on until they gave him what he wanted. How he manipulated them right to where he wanted them. He had even tried to start a competition between the Doms until they shut it down. It had only gotten worse after Kevin left but that time, Jean had been in love for a while and certainly stupid enough to overlook their missteps and mistakes. Until he had started getting interested in needle play, that is. Until that fucking scene happened.

Jean was stupidly glad he didn't have to tell them what had transpired. They all knew.

Instead, they stirred the conversation to a safer topic. University classes, Renée's life outside of West Virginia, their shared interest in martial arts. It distracted Jean well enough. Surrounded by friends and blankets, he felt better than he had in a while.

It did not stop the darker thoughts to creep in. If he could've helped Riko if he'd known. If he had noticed what had happened earlier. If he'd been more attentive, if if if—

“Hey, snap out it.” Kevin was looking at him with a frown. “You're blaming yourself again.”

Jean shrugged his shoulders. “So what. It's not like I'm entirely innocent.” He suddenly felt worse than before. Maybe letting them inside had been a bad idea.

Renée pulled on his hair. “But reflection can wait when you're not on a self-pity trip. We're here for you, Jean, we are but not for you blaming yourself. You're not responsible for Riko's actions. And I will not stop telling you how much of a great Dom you until you accept it.”

Jean choked. He felt tears in his eyes. “Promise?” he asked weakly.

“Of course. I would hate for you to stop doing what you love because Riko made a mistake.”

Kevin nodded. “You're a great Dom, Jean. I wouldn't have left Riko in your hands if I didn't think you were capable.”

Renée couldn't agree more. “I've seen you play. You are really good.”

Jean could only nod in fear of actually spilling tears if he said a word. Renée just cooed and pulled him closer again.

He would never regret getting into the scene. While the memories were a mixed bag of good and bad, the experiences alone have taught him a lot. About himself, about others, about what he wanted.

And damn Riko, but he would no longer stand in his way.

* * *

__

  


_Five years ago – Haven at Midnight, South Carolina_

Jean was slowly going insane.

It had been almost two years since he'd last done a proper scene. Which, you know, would be fine, if that had been his actual choice. Instead, every time he was just about to do one, he would freeze up. His mind would go straight back to Riko. It was infuriating. It used to be even worse at first. His anger had affected everything associated with Riko, he couldn't even bear to look at his own equipment.

He had played with other people, of course. Tried some new stuff he didn't like (electro stimulation) and things he liked (wax) and even had a few casual play partners. But everything he had done to sub had been new things, nothing that he had done with Riko. No needles, no whips, no knives, not even fucking cling wrap. Basically, any edgeplay was off the card. Only his cane (the second he owned) survived this ordeal. Thank God that his chosen profession wasn't affected.

Still, he was trying. Which is why he was sitting with Kevin next to him on a bench in a near by park and let himself be lectured. If barely.

"Just go talk to him. I asked him for help a few weeks ago and he gave me this Look—you know which one, you've seen it often enough—before saying that I should stop sticking my nose into business that doesn't concern me. Stop laughing into your hand, Jean, I can see that. And then he said you should contact him directly if you really want help”, Kevin ended triumphantly.

Jean had met up with Kevin half an hour earlier to catch up but so far, their talk had mostly consisted of Kevin trying to convince him to talk to Andrew which - no. Jean got along with most of the people in the scene but Andrew was another case entirely. The man was not easy to get along with and honestly, Jean hated his attitude. Appearing careless at best and condescending at worst, Jean didn't really see the appeal in talking to the sub. Kevin and Andrew had strung up a friendship/partnership/relationship-thing that Jean wasn't entirely sure of what it was, either. He knew Andrew had a Dom who was currently on some sort of trip (which apparently involved a prison and distant relatives?) and who was fine with him playing with others, but Jean also knew of Kevin's possessive tendencies. Jean could see that Kevin wanted more from Andrew than just a play partner. So he wasn't too sure what Andrew was actually doing with Kevin. (And if Jean was reminded of Riko in the way Andrew treated Kevin, that was his problem.)

Shifting on the bench, Jean averted his gaze to stare up the trees they were surrounded by instead. Anyway, Jean was not really interested in talking to Andrew. First of all, his hang ups were not because of past abuse or the likes which were Andrew's troubles, he wasn't a sub, so the experience was different and Jean just didn't want to talk about it, damn it.

Okay, so he probably should talk about it. But not with Andrew.

Kevin just sighed and threw his hands up in the air. "Stop being stubborn, Jean. Stop repenting by not doing any scenes anymore."

"That's not what I'm doing. I'm just... figuring it out. And you just saw me play with Renée at the last party.”

“Yeah. With nipple clamps and a cane.” Kevin gave him a Look. "So you're not replaying the last needle scene you did with Riko when the talk turns to needles? Which was, by the way, not your fault?" God, he sounded like Renée. Probably was quoting her, actually.

"No." Yes. "I'ts just weird with me piercing people during my job and then doing it for my own pleasure on others." Which was technically true. It had been weird at first. But he had gotten over that pretty quick and no, before anyone asked, he was not abusing people for his fetish. His job and his personal entertainment were two different things. And people who told him different could fuck right off.

It was clear that Kevin did not believe him. "Whatever. Let's go, it's after seven already." Kevin stood up and grabbed his jacket.

It was Thursday, which meant it was munch from seven pm onward at The Loose Screw, which was where they were heading to right now. Downstairs, people were milling around, drinks in hand. Conversations ranged from house pets over terrible costumers from work to ways to best cane a person. Another topic was the upcoming party next month which included an oversea celebrity of some sort.

Jean was still the new one for most of the people - he only started attending the munches a month earlier. It was fine with him; the people Kevin introduced him to so far had been awesome and made him feel incredibly welcome. His interest in needle play and edgeplay, in general, didn't really help matters. Not that people were dicks about it, most of them just didn't like to talk about blood or needles. He liked other things as well, but a lot of kinksters considered him either too kinky or not kinky enough, considering he wanted to pierce people for a living.

He decided to sit next to Erik for now, who was today's contact person for any newcomers. When he saw Jean coming towards him, he simply smiled and patted the space next to him without stopping his conversation. Erik had taken an immediate liking to Jean and the fact that they both weren't from America, Germany and France respectively, was just another plus in his book. Also, the fact that Jean hadn't immediately made a "German dungeon porn" joke when he found out, apparently; so the bar had been quite low to begin with in Jean's opinion. But Jean enjoyed his talks with Erik, so he was fine with that. If Erik was able to handle his sharp sense of humour he wasn't going to complain.

Instead, he settled in to listen to Erik and Nicky, Erik's boyfriend, lead a heated discussion about rope techniques. Nicky was certainly making a strong case for Ichinawa but Erik was not yet convinced. If Jean knew them at all, the resolution wouldn't come before there was a bed involved. Lovesick idiots, still after more than five years of relationship.

Jean wanted that. That closeness with a partner. More than casual play. But he digressed. He was doing alright, mostly. The move to South Carolina had happened without a hitch, his apprentice ship at the piercing and tattoo studio was taking off, he had found a simple apartment with a nice roommate. He finally got to see Kevin more often again who had moved here a year earlier. And he'd shaken himself off most of the bad habits he had started after Riko.

Instead of wallowing in thoughts, he got involved with the conversation one table over about hygiene. _No more thoughts about Riko today,_ he begged.

The night was almost over and Jean was getting ready to leave (he did have to get up early) when Kevin pulled him aside one last time. “I mean it. If you want someone to talk to, just go and ask him.” He sighed when he saw Jean’s expression. “I know what you’re thinking, but he might be able to help you. Or at least share his experiences.”

Jean did not think Andrew would deem them close enough to talk about his past with him. Andrew was a mystery few could tolerate and even fewer tried to understand. How Kevin had gotten anywhere with him was a riddle to Jean who knew that Kevin hated mind games. “He hates me.”

“No, he just distrusts people in general. It has nothing to do with you personally.” As if that helped. “He just doesn't know much about you yet which makes him uneasy.” Jean seemed unimpressed. “He actually suggested it. And he trusts my judgment, and he knows we're childhood friends.” A small smile graced his lips. God, Kevin was so far gone.

“Alright, I’ll try.” _Let’s hope I won’t see him again soon._ The longer he could push it, the better.

Kevin pulled out his phone. “Text him. It's easier than doing it in person. Here, I'll send you his number.” Kevin pocketed his phone again and his hand moved to Jean's neck to give it a short squeeze. “I just want you be okay, you know that, right?”

Jean gave a short nod.

As the night passed and turned into the next day, Jean did not text Andrew. He went to bed at 2am.

It was three nights later when Jean decided to hell with it. He wanted to be able to play again without feeling immediate regret or shame afterwards. And if Andrew really thought he could help? He pulled out his phone and looked for the correct number.

> _To: Andrew_
> 
> (11:22pm) Hey, this is Jean. Kevin gave me your number.
> 
> (11:33pm) I know I told him to
> 
> (11:33pm) I appreciate it
> 
> (11:34pm) So are you actually interested in talking about this? I know it must be weird,  
>  we barely know each other
> 
> (11:34pm) it's fine
> 
> (11:35pm) okay. I'm busy next week with my apprentice ship but I'm free after that,  
>  mostly in the evening
> 
> (11:37pm) can't do evenings atm.
> 
> (11:39pm) wednesday afternoon then? On the 23rd?
> 
> (11:22pm) yeah
> 
> (11:22pm) Haven at Midnight at 12pm?
> 
> (11:22pm) k

Thankfully, his week kept Jean busy enough not to worry about their upcoming date the entire time. Kevin only gloated for two days before coming by on Saturday night with a bottle of vodka in one hand and a crappy B movie in the other as an apology. It was a night well spent.

And then before he knew it, it was Wednesday.

Haven at Midnight was popular enough that it took a while for Jean and Andrew to get their orders and find a place to sit. Instead of jumping straight into this, Jean took another second to confirm to himself that he was actually doing this. Andrew gave him the opportunity by taking his time with mixing his coffee right and keeping himself otherwise busy. And Jean suddenly realized that talking to Andrew might actually have some benefits as well. There were only a few things he knew about the person sitting in front of him, but what he did know suddenly seemed more appealing than before. Andrew definitely would blab about this. He would not lie (it was the one thing Kevin had told Jean about Andrew: he always played the game). Sarcasm excluded. And Andrews kinks aligned with a quite a few of Jean, so really, they should be really close friends - on paper anyway. So yes, Jean was willing to do this.

They exchanged short pleasantries while waiting for the right time to broach the touchy subject. Jean was glad for the buffer. They started easy, talking about Jean’s new responsibilities at the Stainless Studio, discussed whether Kevin was overworking himself or not (he was) and exchanged opinions about the recent influx of rope enthusiasts into the scene.

It took three-quarters of an hour for Jean to get comfortable enough to dip his toes into deeper waters. And as it was the case every single time, he couldn't help but tense up again. He was sure Andrew noticed. By now the cafe was losing customers again until it was less than half full; lunch break was almost over and people were leaving in waves. Jean desperately wished he could go with them if only to avoid this conversation.

“Don’t look like I’m torturing you without a safeword. I'm not holding you hostage.” Andrew certainly didn't mince his words.

Jean immediately got defensive. "What's with the attitude? You know, you didn't have to come either." _Damn it, shut up. This is not how I wanted this to be going._

Andrew scoffed and looked out the window. "Well, I'm here, aren't I. Did you want to talk or not?"

Jean did want to talk. Otherwise, he wouldn't be here, either. Still unsure however on how to start the conversation, he shifted in his seat. It's not like one could outright say "hey, so I know you got some past trauma, wanna talk about it?" Yeah, no.

Andrew rolled his eyes. "Just relax. I promise I will try to cooperate."

Jean nodded sedately. Andrew would not be here if he didn't have any interest in this conversation, he reminded himself. Not even his apparent affection for Kevin could change that. Jean took a sip from his iced coffee.

He hunched his shoulders.

He followed the wooden lines on the table with his eyes.

He took another sip.

He looked up to see Andrew watching him, hands enclosed his own hot drink; patient. He was acting differently than from what Jean had been expecting. This entire time so far, he had not been what Jean had thought to expect. When Jean had first met him while he was visiting Kevin, Andrew seemed disinterested in whatever was going on and willfully ignorant of Kevin's awful tries at wooing him.

“You do have to start Jean, I am not quite ready to share my sad background story with you yet.” Andrew's teasing tone had a sharp edge to it.

"Alright. Let's go from the start, right? I don't know how much Kevin told you about what happened but afterwards--"

"Tell me," Andrew interrupted.

Jean glared. Fine, then. "Kevin, Riko and me got into the scene together. Started trying stuff out on each other and shit. First semester of uni, that's where it started. I kind of immediately knew I was a Dom, Kevin was pretty unsure and Riko did not mind us experimenting on him. It kind of developed from there." They had never been a discussion about polyamorous relationships or polyamory itself - none of them had a romantic partner at the moment and neither of them had been looking for one. Call it Triad or whatever, they hadn't really cared. If asked, they were friends or partners - play partners if the person asking was part of the community. "We didn't really play together - Riko just kind of decided what we did and who he did it with." At Andrew's questioning look, Jean elaborated. "Kevin was only a Dom at the time and we've never had a romantic interest in one another. Still don't. Riko was the buffer; it wasn't a problem. He's also a controlling asshole. Anyway, after the first year, we had all developed our own interests. Riko did not really like that. On his requests, we decided to stop playing with others. I had also just gotten in interest in needles, so Riko and I did a lot of that." Looking back now, Jean realized how weird Kevin had acted during that time. But he had been so caught up in all the new experiences and the excitement of it, he'd noticed little else. His grades that suffered that semester as well. He took another deep breath. "I don't really—I can't pinpoint where it went wrong. I fell in love with Riko. Kevin expressed an interest in bottoming and Riko shut him down. Kevin and I tried it once but it was just too awkward and it felt weird going behind Riko's back, so we stopped. Everything was working for a while. Then Kevin found out about the adoption, and the sketchy family business, and him and Riko clashed. When Kevin left, Riko and I got together properly."

Andrew's voice was quiet. "Do you blame Kevin for any of it?"

"No." Kevin had had his own problems to deal with. The sub thing, finding out about his biological father and so on. If anything, Kevin had tried to talk to Jean, but he had been too in love to listen properly

“So what next.”

“I was in pretty deep that I didn't notice the signs. Or rather, I ignored them. It was working, I used to tell myself. Our fights got louder and more frequent. Riko asked for things I wasn't willing to compromise on and he pushing me into situations I was uncomfortable with. Our last scene—“ Jean stopped. If he closed his eyes, he could still see the bloodied tarp, the needles fucking everywhere and Riko screaming at him. “We were doing needle play. Riko was pushing me again and I had enough, so I started to pull out the needles to end this scene as soon as possible. Riko—didn't like it, he was twisting around to look at me...”

“And got hurt.” Andrew completed the sentence.

“Their placements weren't really for moving. They got stuck pretty deep under the skin. There was just, lots of blood. I broke up with him a day later.”

“Did you ever talk to Riko about this?”

“I tried but there was more screaming than anything involved. Short version, he thinks I shouldn't have stopped since he was fine and I am to blame for the breakup.”

Andrew chuckled. “And here I thought I couldn't hate him any more than I already did.”

Jean didn't say anything but he silently agreed. He did not know what exactly happened in the year while he was still in West Virginia, but he knows Andrew played a major role in Kevin accepting his switch identity.

Andrew fixed his hazel eyes on Jean. "Are you sure you're not blaming Kevin? I mean, he left and you got hurt. Don't you think he could have stopped that from happening?"

"But even him still being there wouldn't have stopped Riko and me from playing. Or Riko freaking out."

“Fair enough.”

Silence reigned. Would Jean have to take the next step as well? Kevin told him that Andrew didn't talk much in general but still. Andrew seemed content enough to simply drink his coffee. Jean really hated him right now. Fine. Okay. He let go a shaky breath. "How did you? Get over it, I mean."

But Andrew did not make it easy for him. "What exactly? You gotta be more specific, I have more than one problem." And still sarcastic as ever.

"Get over your abuser. Not seeing him at every corner, at every event, in every scene. Like, fuck, it's been almost two years and I still can't touch a whip without thinking about him."

Andrew took his time to answer. "Time, mostly. Taking it slow And then even slower. I tried a lot of new things I hadn't had much interest in to feel it if I actually do anything without having a panic attack. Started with the easy things and then went back to the harder stuff."

"Did you get any... outside help? Or from people in the scene?"

"Fuck yes, I did. Went through several therapists before finally finding one I liked and that didn't judge me on my tastes; took me years, though. I'm still seeing her today. But my thing is different from yours. There is a lot more baggage attached to mine, and only a few of those things are actually related to BDSM."

"That makes sense.” Jean was honestly surprised by the honesty. But then, maybe he shouldn't be. It was Andrew he was talking to.

"That's good." It was the first thing out of Andrew's mouth that didn't sound vaguely sarcastic.

"What about people in the scene? Did you find them helpful?"

"Well, when all this shit went down, I didn't have Neil yet. A friend of mine helped me a lot. And then Renée. She's one of the main reasons why I'm still in the scene. We went through a lot together and she helped me to stop with my less healthy coping mechanisms." Andrew's hands had stayed calm through his entire talk but now there was a slight tremor visible. “She was already active here in the scene, so she made sure I met the right people. And my cousin, Nicky, helped as well. Don't tell him that, though.”

Jean was still hung up on the first part. “Fuck don't tell you're that Drew she always talks about.”

“I hate that nickname.” Andrew made a sour face.

“I didn't make the connection, but now it makes total sense.”

“Next generation Sherlock, huh.”

“Ah, shut up,” Jean replied on reflex.

Andrew only showed his teeth. “Just don't call me Drew.”

They both had a short laugh before getting serious again.

“So what exactly do you do?” Jean asked. “To not fall back into old habits.”

“Plan. I plan everything.”

“Everything?” Jean was confused. While it was obviously a game for two, it was the Dom who had the control during a scene and who decided what was going to happen. Usually.

“From start to finish. With floggers, for example. The first time I played with my Dom, I planned the entire thing: where we played, who was allowed to be there, what we did, where he hit me, what he hit me with. How long the scene was going to be. All that. We talked a lot throughout the entire scene. There wasn't much in terms of subspace or the likes, but I was relaxed and felt I was in good hands. We built up from that good experience.”

“Huh.” Jean felt like someone just dropped a bucket full of light bulbs in his head.

“I don't like giving up control, but I do crave it. It's probably different from a Dom's perspective, but it might help.

“Just—pick a person you trust. A lot. Talk the entire thing through. Have people sit in or be there for aftercare. Plan every small detail. And then go from there.”

“Thanks. For sharing that, I mean.”

Andrew shrugged his shoulders and looked out the window, before saying: “It feels like shit to want something but being unable to actually get it.”

Well, if that ain't the fucking truth. Jean drank to that.

* * *

  


_Three years ago – The Loose Screw, South Carolina_

Thursday night at The Loose Screw. Jean and his friends had snagged the large table in the back and everyone was talking at the same time. Nicky and Erik were having a discussion insistently to Neil. Allison had just gotten up to get another drink. Janie was lamenting about her job to Neil. Renée had vanished into a quiet corner to talk to Andrew who deigned to grace them all with his presence tonight. Andrew still only went to munches on an irregular basis even while everyone was trying to convince him otherwise. (Neil was the only one who could and wouldn't share the answer.) Dan was still talking to a few newcomers further at the front, holding Allison hostage when she came back downstairs.

Jean was on his second coke and nodded along to Kevin's recount of the last party the other man couldn't attend.

“Man, how could you be so cruel?” Matt asked Jean.

Kevin, who had his arm around Neil, laughed out loud. “You clearly never talked to Jean before. That's just how he is.”

Matt raised an eyebrow at Jean. “Damn.”

Jean shrugged. “The sound is what makes things interesting. It's half the paycheck. And if your sub is sensitive to that kind of sound, all the better for it. ”

Matt and Dan had been the latest addition to their group. The couple had moved here a few months ago and were now a part of their ever growing group of friends. They had both taken an instant liking to Allison who thrived under the attention. People usually avoided her because she had a vanilla boyfriend. He knew what she was getting up to but no personal interest in it. Still, not a few deemed it too much a hassle. Jean and Allison had been serious play partners for a while before Dan had come to sweep her off her feet.

Dan who had come over to slump over her boyfriends sitting form groaned. Allison swept by to take a seat in Matt's lap and daintily drink her cocktail. Matt didn't even blink; Allison did that to everyone. (Only Andrew had been spared.) “Stop talking about whips, you're making me jealous. Do you realize I am the last you haven't tried your whip on, Jean? That's just cruel.”

Matt laughed. “Babe, you don't like whips.” Dan was a Domme, but that didn't stop her from trying everything out once at the very least.

“But I like Jean.”

“Still. You don't like whips. Or bruises, really, for that matter.”

“They look better on you! Or Allison. And stop trying to ruin my fun, Matt.”

Jean just shook his head. “How about, at the next party, I try it on you—once. Would that satisfy you?”

Dan perked up. “Yes. Renée, did you hear that? I'm gonna get whipped!”

“You're gonna start crying before it even starts,” came the calm reply from across the room. “And Matt already has you whipped.”

The entire room laughed. Dan pouted. Yup, those were his friends.

“Andrew didn't try the whip either,” Neil piped up.

“Okay, I got it. Stop teaming up on me.” Dan grabbed another chair to sit down at the table. “Tell me other interesting things instead.”

  


_Two years ago –Stainless Studio, South Carolina_

Technically, Jean wasn't allowed to be on the phone while working but it was close to 1am and no one was in the shop anyway and he was pretty certain his boss wasn't coming by for a surprise visit. So when Kevin had texted, Jean had checked the time difference just called him instead of texting back.

“How is the weather?”

“Really? We haven't seen or heard from each other in close to three weeks and that's all you can come up with?”

“Fine. How hot are the people really over there?”

“Fucking hot. Just as the weather, by the way; the heat is killing me. I thought people were exaggerated when they talked about the boiling weather in Southern California.”

“You signed up for this.” Jean adjusted the phone in between his ear and shoulder and grabbed another more saline solution. The sooner he had everything cleaned, the faster he could lock up later.

“Don't remind me. This advanced training sounded like fun before, but it's stressing me out. Their requirements alone are giving me a headache.”

“Well, you should be able to fix headaches, right? That's right up your alley.”

“Shut up. I don't even know why I'm complaining to you. I should have called Neil.”

“As if Neil doesn't mock you. You know, Andrew told me he disconnected the call last time you talked because, and I quote him, you were being intolerable. I'm the only choice you have because you know I work late.”

A groan echoed over the line. “Fuck, I miss them.”

“It's not much longer, is it? I mean, you could check out the scene over there.”

“I haven't had much time yet, but I was gonna do it this weekend.”

“Then do that. And stop complaining about your love life to your single friend.”

Kevin only laughed at him. Dick.

Andrew only laughed when Jean told him the story the next time they met for coffee. Jean felt strangely vindicated despite not finding a boyfriend in that short time span. 

It was another week before Jean heard of Kevin again. He was just packing the last pieces of his floggers away when he heard the ring tone. While getting more for himself and Renée, he opened the app.

> _From: Kevin_
> 
> (12:00pm) I cannot believe I didn't go to a munch sooner.  
>  These people are incredible, I'm learning so much
> 
> (12:02pm) hope you're willing to share with the class when you're back
> 
> (12:03pm) obviously
> 
> (12:03pm) I met these two lesbians who are just plain crazy and  
>  have the most incredible ideas. And then there's this dude...
> 
> (12:04pm) Jean I might be in love. He's so pretty.
> 
> (12:05pm) You are in love, Kevin. With two people, no less.
> 
> (12:05pm) Fine, then you take him, bitter pill
> 
> (12:07pm) what's so great about him
> 
> (12:08pm) he's funny without being mean

Jean suppressed a chuckle.

> (12:09pm) stop being passive aggressive that's more Andrew's style
> 
> (12:09pm) he's a genuinely nice person to be around
> 
> (12:10pm) he loves sport
> 
> (12:11pm) match made in heaven

Except for Neil, there were few other people as obsessed with exercise as Kevin. It was his entire life; literally. Jean liked to exercise but he wasn't a freak about it.

> (12:12pm) I don't need a freak like that.
> 
> (12:12pm) liar
> 
> (12:12pm) whatever
> 
> (12:13pm) what else you got
> 
> (12:14pm) a fire performer
> 
> (12:14pm) that's pretty neat
> 
> (12:15pm) yeah I'm trying to them to come visit us
> 
> (12:15pm) Janie would have a fit

There was certainly no one more passionate about fire than Janie. They talked for a few more minutes before Renée came back from the bathroom, carefully sat down on the couch and knocked into his shoulder. "Stop paying attention to your phone and start paying attention to me instead."

"You had my entire attention for the last" --Jean checked his phone-- "three hours. Is that not enough for you? What do you really want?"

She began to roll her necklace in between her fingers. The small golden cross was her constant companion, she didn't even take it off for sessions. "Talk?"

> (12:11pm) go bother someone else, I'm busy, Renée is over 
> 
> (12:11pm) give her a kiss from me

Jean sent one last text before turning off his phone. "What's up, Misbeliever?" The nickname had come from her first Fetlife profile and it had stuck.

"I think I like Allison."

"So do I," Jean joked. Renée punched him in the arm which fucking hurt. Freaking sports junkies. He got serious. "Sorry. So what's the problem? Are you interested to play with her again?" He had seen the two of them huddled close together under a blanket when he was done with his session with Matt. And there definitely had been rope marks on her.

"Ugh, that's the problem. I'm sure she would agree to play with me again if I asked. But I'm interested in a romantic way. It would feel like cheating if I played with her again."

"That does complicate things." Jean was pretty sure Allison's boyfriend would frown on his girlfriend having someone on the side. "Is she even poly?"

"No."

"That sucks."

Renée gnawed on her lip. "She told me she's having problems with her boyfriend."

"Renée," Jean groaned.

"I know, I know. But it's not like it's my fault. She said she's been unhappy for a while. And that it feels weird to play with other people when her Seth is totally uninterested. He doesn't even want her to talk to him about it. That's weird, right? Like, I'm glad he trusts her but he's not really invested in that part of her life either."

Jean pulled her into his arms. "It must be weird for you to see her around."

She nodded. "I sometimes get jealous when I see Dan or Matt play with her. She's just so fucking pretty." That was true. While Jean didn't swing that, he couldn't deny that Allison Reynolds appearance was anything less than perfect. She was always dressed to nines, with immaculate hair and frighteningly tall high heels.

"I wish you also had a crush, so we could suffer together."

"Thank you," was Jean's dry reply.

"You know what I mean. It's honestly weird that you haven't dated anyone in our group yet."

"Really? Neither have you."

"But if I have my will, I will be by the end of this year."

“Seriously?”

“Let me dream, okay? I need something to keep me going.”

Jean raised another eyebrow. “How about some other distraction?”

Her eyes practically glowed. “What are you thinking about?”

“Think you can handle another spanking?”

She smiled. “Thank God I don't have to work tomorrow. Sitting in a chair would be hell.” She was already taking her her pants again.

The next morning, Jean was woken up with a smell of freshly cooked coffee and Renée mulling around in his kitchen and a new message from Kevin. It depicted a group of three, Kevin in the middle. One had fire engine red hair and a fierce look, the other one ashen hair and a bright smile. The background showed a badly lit bar and sand. It was titled:

> (01:13am) imma get them both to visit ;)

 __

The blond's actually quite pretty, Jean mused before getting up to get himself a cup.

* * *

  


_One year ago – Hit 'n' Miss, South Carolina_

Andrew and Jean started to meet up after that first time and somehow, it became a semi-regular thing. They had switched cafés though because Haven was too busy and too loud. Now they met at a small corner shop that sold only a few homemade drinks and assorted desserts, aptly named Hit 'n' Miss.

They had strung up a friendship. Jean was still unsure when he had started to like Andrew and not feeling semi-permanently aggravated by him. It helped Jean to have a sounding board when his Riko-related memories reared their head again.

It was only a few months ago that Jean had actually helped Kevin and Andrew with a scene. Andrew had wanted to try needles and since Jean was a local expert on the subject that had decided to meet up. Jean gave a general overview and then answered any other question they had. He had been surprised to receive a text from Andrew later that day if he would actually be willing to be there for the session. He'd agreed and together they decided on a date that worked for both parties.

Really, Jean shouldn't have been surprised. Andrew exerted his own form of control by planning out the entire scene himself. From start to finish, he decided what happened. And that included people in the room. It was logical he would choose Jean from a medical point of view but they had discussed all that. Usually, anyone else was more moral support than anything else, so Neil was the obvious choice. Jean had used Andrew's coping mechanism himself, so he knew what it entailed. Kevin had been his Other Person in the room. And now he would be Andrew's.

It felt pretty great to have earned that trust.

During most of the scene, Jean was sitting silently next to the covered bed. Despite doing this almost daily on his job, he still enjoyed the visual of watching someone place needles. Kevin was pretty careful but steady handed. There was only a single incident where Jean suggested a different needle placement and after asking if he was allowed to touch Andrew (he was not), showed it on Kevin's skin instead. Everything else went off without a hitch. The two still came for questions every once in a while.

Needles were also the reason why he had wanted to meet up in the first place. “I still like needles, I do. I would find another job otherwise. But recently, it just doesn't bring me the same pleasure anymore. It's weird.”

Andrew nodded. "I still don't do bruises. Can't really handle them on me. Give me whips or needles over a flogger any time.”

"What about Neil?" Jean blurbed out. The man always carried an array of black and blue bruises in various healing stages on his skin, partly from this sport he did, partly from his sessions.

"Oh, that's different. I don't mind them on other people. Also, Kevin does most of those. Would be a bitch to be in the scene though."

Jean could only agree. Bruises and kink went together like milk and honey. He paused. "I don't think I want to play with needles again." At least for a while. It used to excite him, the thought of needles and bare skin and puncture wounds. Now, it's more a chore than anything else. It wasn't hate or disgust, just—impartiality.

“Do you want to stop coming to you for needle related questions?

“What? No. Please, ask as much as you need. I haven't lost my interest in them, and I do have the knowledge. I just might take a break from personally playing with it. You're fine.”

Andrew nodded, relieved. He had not liked the idea of making Jean feel uncomfortable. “Okay.”

They enjoyed the rest of their coffee in companionable silence.

* * *

  


_Nine months ago – Downtown Park, South Carolina_

“So you come here often?”

“Did that line ever work in the history of ever?” Jean looked up from his stretch.

A man was smiling at him, wearing running shoes as well. “It got you to answer, so I would count it as a yes.”

Jean smirked. “Fair enough. I'm Jean.” He held out.

“Remy. Nice to meet you. Are done with your run or would you like some company?”

“Company sounds fine.”

Remy smiled.

  


Jean met Remy during one of his runs.

They hit it off immediately. Remy had the same dry humour and a mean streak a mile wide. And a terrible taste in movies. He was loud and brash and exactly what Jean needed.

It only took them two weeks of meeting up before they started dating.

  


Two months into their relationship, Jean and Andrew were having coffee once more. The sun was shining and reflecting in the water puddles from yesterday. They were sitting outside the Hit 'n' Miss to soak up every second if its warmth. Andrew was smoking a cigarette.

“How's your boy toy?”

“Fine. And you could call him by his name, you know. You'll be seeing more of him.”

Andrew hummed. “He didn't seem all too into it at the munch.”

“It's all pretty new to him. And he's trying to understand it, which is more than most people would do. Though I don't think he's kinky. He mostly came for my benefit.” Which, Jean would need to talk about that with Remy at some point. Jean didn't really care either way on which rules they decided on but most vanilla people were weird about their partners playing with other people, even if it was non-sexual. But then, Nicky and Erik also had a monogamous D/s relationship, so it could really go either way. “We'll see how it goes. I'll probably be super busy anyway, with the shop and all.”

“Right, you found a partner to buy out Stainless.”

“Yup.” Jean couldn't keep the pride out of his voice. Stainless Studio had been the starting point in his piercing career and soon he would own it. Very soon. He'd been hoping for an opportunity like this to arise and it had finally happened.

Andrew threw him a side glance. “You're too happy to be around. It's suffocating.”

Jean nudged his shoulder companionably. “As if you could talk. Kevin's been on cloud nine since you all moved in together. And I'm pretty sure you're happy about that as well.”

Andrew stayed silent.

“Just don't let Kevin freak out about it too much. Neither of you are Riko.”

“Don't worry. Neil has it under control.” Jean knew how headstrong Neil could be—Kevin was in good hands.

“Isn't it weird how life can screw you over once and ruin everything but then it's actually pretty awesome sometimes?”

Andrew blew the smoke up into the air. “Let's just hope it found someone more interesting to torture.”

“Pessimist.”

“Realist,” Andrew argued.

“More like cynic assholes. We need some more positive influences in our life.” No more Rikos and more Remys.

Andrew raised an eyebrow. “What do you think Renée is for?”

“And Matt and Dan. And Nicky.”

“We got plenty of idealists to us from drowning in our gloomy worldview.”

Jean's phone gave off a ping and he checked his messages

> (01:01pm) Dinner later?

He smiled. Perhaps, life could turn him into an optimist yet.

**Author's Note:**

> The second chapter will be updated when I am back home and gave it one last spell check as well as formatting! :)


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